Tomorrow, Tonight
by Aki Midori
Summary: "Tomorrow, I'll stop breathing..." -Rukawa Kaede


Title: Tomorrow... Tonight  
  
by: Aki Midori   
  
E-mail: autumn_wind04@yahoo.com  
  
Genre: [Yaoi] Angst  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
DiScLaIMerS: Tomorrow, I'd own Slam Dunk. Tonight, I know I'm just fantisizing about owning Slam Dunk tomorrow.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Tomorrow... Tonight  
  
(Rukawa's POV)  
  
Tomorrow, I'll stop breathing.   
  
  
  
I would put an end to this insanity... To this madness... To this bullshit. Tomorrow, I would end this agony. I would make them stop crying. Tomorrow, I'll stop fighting. Tomorrow, I would stop thinking of him. Tomorrow, I would stop remembering. Tomorrow, I would stop waiting.   
  
Tomorrow, I'll stop loving him.  
  
Just as he has stopped loving me.   
  
There's a do'aho at the side of my bed, holding my hand, and tears were silently falling from his eyes. His hair was tousled, his face grew thin, and there were dark lines under his eyes. He's been wearing that shirt for three days now. Behind him was his girlfriend, who looks as weary as he is. Her hands were laid on his shoulders, giving him support, but she was crying, too. Opposite them, there was a man with a scar on his chin. He looked grim, silently looking that boy on my bed. Beside him was a bespectacled man with sad brown eyes. He, too, was silently crying. A huge, tanned man was also there, with the same grim expression as the scarred boy. There was a short man on one corner, hugging a crying woman with curly hair.   
  
My friends since high school. The few people who made my life worth living. They've been like that for days. Always crying, always grim, always sad...   
  
For that pale-faced man lying lifelessly on that hospital bed, with tubes coming out from all over him, surrounded by huge beeping machines. For that same man who was accidentally hit by a car two weeks ago, when he was cycling along the slippery road whilst thinking of the man he loves.   
  
They were crying for me. They don't know that I'm right here in this room, just hovering about. Every once in a while, I would take a look at the mess I've become. There were bruises all over me. There was a bandage wrapped around my head. I know that there are broken bones inside that body. I felt it all before I left my body. My chest rises and falls in an unsteady rhythm.   
  
"Is Rukawa-kun in pain now?" Haruko asked Hanamichi.   
  
"I don't know," Hanamichi replied.   
  
I am in pain, Hana. But not physically. I'm out of my body, you see. But it hurts here... in my heart. You know why, don't you, Hana? I've always talked to you about him. You knew how he left me three years ago and came back with a wife. You know how that news shattered me. The pain I felt when I was hit by that car was nothing compared to the pain that I have been feeling since the day he left.   
  
And you know what's more painful, Hana? The fact that even though he left me to marry a woman, I still loved him. I still waited for him. That is so stupid of me, ne? Hoping for the impossible. But I can't stop, Hana. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop loving him. I can't stop waiting for him. I don't know why, though. Can you tell me? No, I guess not, being the do'aho that you are.   
  
It's so pathetic, Hana. I know. That's why I started hating myself. I wanted to stop the pain, but I don't know how. Every time I tried to laugh, tears would come out instead. Every time I tried to love someone else, I'd see him. I hate myself for being so weak. I hate being weak and pathetic. You know that, don't you, Hana? I hated myself and these feelings so much, that I started to wish I would die. I don't want to kill myself. It's the coward's way out. But I still wanted to die. Just so I could stop feeling this unbearable pain. Just so I could punish myself for being weak.   
  
So I guess that the accident was a blessing in disguise. Saved me the trouble and conscience of killing myself.   
  
And yes, Haruko-san. I am in pain right now. Maybe because I'm still alive. I still love him. And yes, upto this very moment, I'm still waiting for him. And for that, I still hate myself.   
  
Confusing, isn't it, Haruko-san?   
  
Stop crying, minna. It breaks my heart even more. Don't you know that I'd actually be a lot more better if I died?   
  
Sendoh Akira...  
  
I hate you.   
  
But I love you.   
  
I tried to think of things that would make me stop loving you. I really did. I thought of many things, but I realized that those were some of the things that made me fall in love with you even more. Remember, I loved the whole of you, flaws and all.   
  
I tried forgetting you, but each night, you were the last person in my mind, and the first every morning. I could always remember the way your soft breath would feel against my nape, or your arms around me each night we fall asleep. I could always remember the feel of your soft lips against mine. I could always remember the feel of your weight over me during those nights of passion. I could always remember your smile, your voice, your laugh, and even your tears. I could always remember the way your eyes would sparkle each time you tell me that you love me.   
  
Goddammit, you were my everything. How could I forget you?   
  
How pathetic.   
  
I'm torn between hating myself and loving you. I'm sick of this, Akira. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want this pain anymore. I should have stopped myself from breathing days ago, the moment I was hit. But no. I really have to fight for my life. I really have to hover around this dull hospital room, hoping against hope that you'd walk in this room, go straight to me, tell me to open my eyes because you still love me.   
  
I'm waiting, even though I knew you'd never come.   
  
Tomorrow, I'll stop breathing.   
  
Tomorrow, I'll stop feeling this pain.   
  
Tomorrow, I'll stop hating myself.  
  
And maybe... just maybe... tomorrow, I'll stop loving you.   
  
No more, Sendoh Akira. No more tears. No more pain.  
  
Tomorrow, Rukawa Kaede would cease to exist.   
  
*****************  
  
Tonight.   
  
Tonight is the tomorrow of yesterday. Tonight, I'll stop breathing.   
  
One last look at everyone, and I'm off.   
  
Mitsui-senpai. You almost destroyed the team back then, yet you helped us go to the top.   
  
Kogure-senpai. Our backbone. The person whom we always turned to when we're on the verge of giving up.   
  
Miyagi-senpai. It was your devotion and loyalty to a single woman which made me respect you so much. I wish all people are as devoted as you are.  
  
Akagi-senpai. You've always been the tough one. I could always look up to you for strength.  
  
Haruko-san. Our supporter. The main reason which made a do'aho what he is today.   
  
Ayako-senpai. My friend. My oneesan.  
  
Hanamichi...  
  
Shit. Could spirits cry? I don't feel a thing, but I guess I am crying now, because my heart feels the same way it does when I cry.   
  
Hanamichi, take care, okay? You're my best friend, you know that, right? I've told you that, right? I feel rotten that I have to leave you, but you're strong, anyway. You'll go on. Thank you for everything, Hanamichi. I know you tried everything to help me, but it just won't work. I'm too tired. I don't want to cry anymore, Hana. No more.   
  
Tonight... I'll stop breathing.   
  
Tonight-  
  
"Kaede!"   
  
Oh... You came back, after all.   
  
"You! What the hell are you doing here?" Hana... stop being protective. I told you I hated it when you acted like a father.   
  
"I-"  
  
"Look at him! He's been in a coma for two weeks! He's alive, but he's not responding to us. The doctor said he might not make it at all!" Hanamichi said in near hysteria. Tears were cascading down his cheeks. Tears doesn't suit your happy face, Hana. Stop that.   
  
"Sakuragi-kun, I'm so sorry," Akira whispered.   
  
"Your sorry couldn't bring back those tears he cried when you left him," Hana spat. "Your sorry wouldn't take away all the pain he felt, and all the sorrow he's gone through. If he dies this very day, then he's gonna die a grieving man."  
  
Akira walked near my bed, clutched my hand and cried against it. The pain I've been feeling since he left me turned into a dull ache.   
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered against my ear. I wish I could have felt that. Felt his breath on my ear just before I go. "Don't die. Please, Kaede, open your eyes."   
  
No more Akira. I'm tired already.   
  
"I don't love her, Kaede," he said. "I never did. I never stopped loving you."  
  
I wish I could believe that. After all, it was what I wanted to hear all these years.   
  
I promised myself that tonight, everything will be over.   
  
Tonight, I'll stop breathing.   
  
Tonight, I'll stop waiting.  
  
  
  
Tonight, I'll stop feeling.   
  
And tonight, I'll stop loving you.   
  
"Kaede... please."   
  
I wish I could, Akira. But even if I tried, my body couldn't take it anymore. The damage was too severe. I just stayed long enough, because I hoped against hope that maybe one day, you'd walk through that door, go straight to me and tell me to open my eyes because you still love me.   
  
You did.   
  
And it was enough.   
  
The machine right beside my bed suddenly emitted a loud, endless beeping sound, and I saw the straight line on the little monitor.  
  
Kogure-senpai buried his face on Mitsui-senpai's shoulder. Ayako-neechan took one look at me and broke down as well. Tears fell from Miyagi-senpai's eyes as he embraced his girlfriend. Akagi-senpai just stood at a corner, his fists clenched tight, his eyes closed, but he was crying. Hanamichi stared wide-eyed at the screen. He stood there, paralyzed. And then he fell on his knees and cried like I've never seen him cry before. Haruko-san gathered him in a fierce embrace and cried silently with him.   
  
And you... you just stared at my lifeless body, tears streaming down your face and falling onto mine, like a river would to a sea. You stopped breathing for a moment, just stared at me. And then you gathered my body into your arms, placed your head on top of mine and rocked me gently. You started shaking all over. You tightened your grasp on my lifeless body.   
  
And when you howled my name in anguish, my heart clenched so tight, that if possible, I would die again.  
  
I love you, Sendoh Akira.   
  
The night is quiet, save for the sobs of my beloved friends. The stars outside my window still sparkle. Down below, the city went on through life, as if nothing happened.   
  
It sucks, really, when you see your friends crying for what's left of you, and yet all you can do is stare at them, crying without tears.   
  
I stopped breathing.  
  
But I haven't stopped loving you.   
  
Perhaps... I never will.   
  
Oyasumi nasai, minna.   
  
Oyasumi nasai, Akira.   
  
Ai shiteru.  
  
  
  
*********  
  
owari  
  
*********  
  
March 2003  
  
revised 18 October 2003 


End file.
